Hope Springs Eternal [19/19]

[omega_tau_pi_verse]

Hope Springs Eternal
Epilogue: Happy Trails to All & to All a Good Life

In which there are cameos by everyone under the earth (and some from above), as the Underworld 2.0 is revealed, and finally Hades and Persephone are given yet another prophecy they are more than happy to fulfill... if I can mange to get the sequel written.

 

 

Ο Επικουρος Ισοτεκεστος

 

There were two signs next to the boat dock beside the River Styx, where souls awaited the boat across into the Underworld. One read:

FULL SERVICE LINE
Please wait for ferryboat, have exact change ready

The second read:

SELF-SERVICE LINE
Take a life jacket & swim for it, losers

The dozen souls who stood there now were more than a bit disconcerted by this. They decided to wait for the boat.

A couple of them were worried they would be forever stuck wandering the shores of the Styx because the circumstances of their deaths had left them without a coin on their bodies to pay the boatman. But now they noticed a small bucket by the shore, containing loose change. A handwritten sign attached to the receptacle read:

NEED A DRACHMA, TAKE ONE
GOT A DRACHMA, LEAVE ONE
compliments of the Goddess Styx

Those without coins hesitantly gathered up what they needed and rejoined the other waiting souls.

When the barge arrived they were all a bit surprised at the fact Charon was wearing a jaunty fisherman's cap and a t-shirt painted with the slogan 'Bad To the Bone'. Even more surprisingly he was no longer alone in his task. A teenage demi-goddess with dingy yellow skin and dull purple hair, wearing a chitonion gray as crematory ashes, sat beside him, looking gloomy but quite content with her position (though she often enjoyed staffing the self-service line, where she handed out life jackets and casually stiff-armed the souls straight into the water). She was Algea, personification of Distress and one of three daughters of Eris. And now she was happily assisting her new boyfriend, the skeletal demon who stood at the helm of the boat.

Charon spoke, a rather unusual thing for him in the past, but he'd really come out of his dried-up husk of a shell lately. "Mortals, give up payment for this ride..." He held out a bony hand and each soul gave him the coins that had been placed on the eyes or in the mouths of their corpses. Charon then gave most to the girl to place in the till-box... but pocketed several coins for himself for his potential retirement. When the souls looked shocked at this blatant skimming of the profits, he shrugged and said huskily, "Hey, the only certain things are death and taxes. Now you can save time and get both at once."

Algea spoke as the boat pushed off from shore, her voice seeming to convey misery and enjoying it. "Please remain seated... unless you really wanna take a dip, in which case I don't care. This is a short trip so there will be no refreshments or in-float movies," she grinned, which on her face looked so absolutely wrong. "Enjoy the ride... 'cause it's the last one you'll ever get. Now, how about a little musical number!" She began to sing a favorite children's song and Charon picked up on the following beat, after which they both encouraged the souls to join in.

The souls were beginning to think they'd have preferred staying on the banks of the Styx even if it meant wandering aimlessly for eternity. Anything was better than even a single refrain of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Too late now. There was a sign on the till-box:

NO REFUNDS
NO EXCHANGES
NO KIDDING

The boat crossed the River Styx, now completely devoid of souls, as the goddess herself had declared retirement. She was seen now sitting on the steps of her silver-pillared palace, actually in nymph form for a change, beside her doting husband Pallas. The green half-Titan, seldom seen in the past, was now holding up her slender foot, polishing the nails for her. Styx smiled contentedly, quite pleased that her plot with the Fates had accorded Hades the happiness he deserved. Her own sister Philyra had suffered at Kronos' hands as well, but was now living just down the river bank and seemed quite sanguine. And another sister Daeira had been involved with Demeter and Persephone in establishing the new Eleusinian temple, wherein Hades was being properly acknowledged. Best of all her own children had moved back from Olympus, at least part-time, where she could keep an eye on them.

The few souls who had partaken of her generous coins at the riverbank waved in her direction. She nodded her head as they passed. They all thought she was being solicitous by leaving the coins for those in need. But it was far from magnanimous. She was sick and tired of her river being crowded with the unnecessary dead. Once they had filled her waters, hanging morosely around the shores without entering the Underworld for hundreds of years. Now they came down, crossed the river, and she never had to deal with them again. And that was just peachy with her.

At the cavernous gateway to the Underworld itself there was another sign, which baffled the souls. It declared:

PARDON OUR DUST DURING REMODELING
Under New Management!

Frankly, the souls weren't sure whether to be encouraged or worried.

Through the gates the ferryboat went, past Cerberus the giant three- headed dog. A sign was posted there as well:

DO NOT FEED, PET,
OR ATTEMPT TO BRIBE
THE DOG!

(There were waaaay too many signs around now.) But the poor pooch was so tired of barking at all the souls running around that he'd given up and was taking a nap flat on his back, feet kicking in the air as he dreamed and snoring 'til he shook the rafters. Three giant noses make a lot of noise.

Floating down Acheron, the new souls saw there were grassy walkways along both sides where flowers and bushes grew abundantly. Other souls were ambling by, laughing and talking as though this was any ordinary day of their former lives. Set throughout the walls were light-filled caverns converted into comfortable homes where many people resided. Odder yet, there seemed to be storefronts and multi-colored lighted advertising signs posted on the walls. When they finally saw the huge skull-shaped palace of Hades, it too had lights blazing in nearly every window above its dome, making the Underworld fairly well-lit for the first time since its creation.

The Underworld was definitely not the way they'd always heard it would be.

Charon docked the boat on the opposite shore from the palace, and Algea directed them out saying, "Bye-bye, now... Thanks for cruising on the Stygian Princess... Have a nice death!" She waved them toward a standing line of other souls.

A long, long, loooong line. Good thing they had eternity to wait.

It was at least half a day before the new arrivals reached the beginning of the line, and by that time there were already a hundred or more behind them. They recognized some of the others as there were many victims of the current war raging between Crete and the whole area of Attica, especially Athens. Nearly six months earlier, King Minos II of Crete had declared war because of a so-called-accident leading to the death of his son. War always created a larger-than-usual intake of souls to the Underworld, and there were still more signs thanking everyone for their patience while waiting.

At the front of the line was a counter where several attractive nymphs sat, each at her own little cubicle. The souls each went to a different cubicle whereupon they discovered the nymphs had been gifted with speech (thanks to Hermes). These charming sweet-voiced nymphs instructed the souls each to fill out a form with their name, former residence, and method of death. The souls were then given a stick-on badge with their name and a number to wear. After which they were directed to a second long, long, loooong line.

Another half-day passed. When the souls reached the counter at the front of the second line, they went again to different cubicles. This time they were confronted by beautiful lamiae, who studied an appointment calendar. The demonesses decided which Judge the souls would confer with before facing actual trial, found a general time-frame when said Judge was available, then told the souls to hang around and enjoy the scenery because it might take days. The workload, they explained, was pretty intense right now but they had brought in an extra judge – Dike, Goddess of Justice herself – to relieve some of the excess. When appointment times were near, someone would fetch the souls promptly.

It was rather ironic these particular souls had all died due to the invasion of King Minos' armies. One of the regular Judges was the king's own grandfather Minos I, who wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of seeing his grandson's handiwork arriving on a daily basis. But he was dead now and had a job to do, and there was little he could have done about his madman of a relative anyway.

Dulled to silence from the surprises they'd faced, the new souls were now greeted by yet another shock. Two smiling imps, one plump and magenta-colored, the other skinny and greenish-blue.

"Welcome new arrivals!" the green imp declared cheerfully, speaking rather unnecessarily through a megaphone. He wore a vest to which was pinned a button reading: 'The price of your soul after inflation wouldn't buy you an olive pit'.

The imp continued loudly. "My name is Panic, and this is my associate Pain! We're here to give you a personal tour of the Afterlife!" Both imps were quite pleased with their new guide jobs since it gave them more time off and was generally less messy and vicious. Generally.

The magenta imp, apparently living up to his name, was wearing a pierced nose ring and a leather body-harness, and was obviously chafing uncomfortably under both. "As you can see," he said in a cracking voice, "things are quite different around here, now. We're the latest model with all the bells and whistles, and all-new options. Nope, this is not your father's Underworld!"

"Pain, dear, are you trying to be funny?" Another demi-goddess, this one with watery-blue skin and sun-orange hair, wearing a tight-fitting black leather gladiator-style costume, had appeared practically out of nowhere and was tugging on a leash now attached to the imp's nose ring. She was Ate, personification of Mischief, another daughter of Eris. "You know how lame your jokes can be. You should know better."

"Uh, sorry, Mistress Ate," he lowered his eyes with false contrition, trailing one toe in the dust coyly. "I don't know where I'd be if you didn't... correct me..."

She pinched his chubby cheek between long fingernails. The adorable little minion was her favorite, especially since he was willing to morph into absolutely any form she requested. "When you're finished with your duties, I expect to see you upstairs in my chambers, pronto. Got it?"

Pain simpered and sniveled and kissed her feet and promised to be there. She swatted him affectionately on the backside with a riding crop, flashed a hard leering smile then vanished, leaving him bowing to the air.

Embarrassed, Panic hauled him to his feet. "Geez, can't you guys wait 'til after-hours? And why do you let her literally lead you around by the nose like that? It's-it's... unmanly, or something."

Pain winked in his direction. "Just don't ask where else she pierced me." When his partner winced and looked greener than usual, he proudly remarked, "Hey, it's pain. But it's a good kind of pain." Turning, the plump demon addressed the new souls, ignoring their expressions of alarm, disgust, shock and nausea. "Well, let's get on with this tour then. I've got a hot date!"

Gagging slightly, Panic led the group toward the back of the Underworld, past the River Acheron.

"As you can see, things have changed drastically in the realm of the dead this past year," Panic announced, walking along with the megaphone while the souls covered their ears at the noise. "Gone are the days when souls drift aimlessly in the rivers. The Elysian Fields are now open to all the deserving dead."

"Yep, it's not just for heroes anymore," Pain chimed in with a grin.

The souls gazed across the water toward the impossibly huge island of light. Non-heroic souls had taken up residence on the Isle of the Blessed, but all were worthy of their new home. The adults had lived truly good and generous lives. And there were children here as well unlike any other part of the Underworld, because children were never judged guilty of punishable sins. Everyone was happy and carefree, strolling, dancing, playing, singing. Small apartments had been built for anyone who desired a sense of privacy. And there was a colossal playground/theme park just visible on the horizon, huge and sprawling, with castles and rides and various attractions. Oceanides, nereides, naiades, dryades, oreades, orestiades, and even lamiae were present everywhere, performing various hostess or daycare duties.

One lilac-and-marine-blue oceanid walked along the shore of the island, and when she saw the imps she waved hello. She carried on her hip a tiny boy with purple skin and darker blue hair. Rhodope had moved into the Underworld after Apollo (predictably and quickly) dumped her, bringing their son Kichon with her. She preferred darkness to sunlight now.

Passing the Elysian Fields, the imps guided their group toward a pool of water far behind the palace. A number of souls were lined up around the pool, where a couple lamiae were passing out cups of the water for them to drink. As the souls drank they became more transparent than they already were, eventually turning vaporous and then vanishing completely. The touring souls' eyes grew wide with alarm and wonder.

"This is the Lethe Pool," Panic declared. "Souls who are in the process of rebirth come here to forget their former lives and the Underworld, so as not to be tainted in their new lives."

"It's the ultimate last chance saloon," Pain added.

Fetching the water directly from the pool and pouring it into a trough was yet another demi-goddess. This was the final daughter of Eris and personification of Obliviousness, who had been appropriately named for the pool she now stood next to. With perky-pink skin and frothy-green hair, she wore a very short, very flimsy white chitoniskos. And she bent over a little too provocatively as she dipped water from the pool. She'd had quite an interesting reputation up on Olympus.

Panic drooled almost helplessly. "Hey, Lethe," he said, sidling up to the girl with a look of adoring lechery, "how's my little luvmuffin?"

She paused in her water-dipping, blinking her eyes hugely at him. "Who are you?"

Pain shook his head. "Sheesh, and you call me bad? Your girlfriend forgets half of what she knows, every hour, on the hour. That could make for some really embarrassing situations."

"It has," Panic sighed, "but she's worth the trouble, believe me." Turning on the charm, he smiled at the girl again. "Sugarcookie, it's me…your snuggle-wump, your cuddle-puppy, your schnooky-wookums..." Getting no response, he finally morphed into the human appearance Lethe preferred when they were alone. It surprised everyone, even Pain. He was quite a tall muscular stud, but it embarrassed him to be seen in public this way so he reverted to normal quickly. "Remember now? It's Panic!"

Recognition and delight flared in her eyes as she squealed, "Oh, yeah!" She flung aside the dipper of water, causing the demon girls to leap away before they were splashed with the water of forgetfulness, which only Lethe could touch without lasting consequences. She was so bubble-brained anyway that taking a bath in it wouldn't have affected her in the slightest. Dropping to her knees, the demi-goddess squeezed the imp until his eyes nearly popped. "Oh, how could I ever forget my widdle poopsie-pie!"

"That's a new one," Pain snickered, amused at his friend's discomfiture.

"Yeah, I'm glad you remember me," Panic struggled loose of her arms. "Now we really have to get on with this tour... But I'll be back before the hour's gone, okay, sweetiecakes?"

"Okie-dokie," she giggled inanely, and then had to be reminded of her water-dipping duties by the lamiae.

Walking away with the souls in tow, Pain grinned. "Well, I guess I was wrong. You did manage to get a pretty girl to touch you with a ten-foot pole."

Panic snorted. "At least she doesn't bludgeon me with it, like yours does."

The imps continued the tour, leading the ever-more-befuddled souls along. They were shown many interesting, peculiar, and downright bizarre sights as they walked through the areas of commerce and trade, commonly known as the Asphodel Meadows Galleria Mall.

"Here we have our commissary, Old Cornucopia Buffet," Pain said, licking his lips. "It's all-you-can-stuff-yourself-sick-with! And lucky you, eating in the afterlife is no longer forbidden or condemns you to stay for eternity. I highly recommend trying the Cap'n Charon's Carrion Crunch breakfast cereal, 'cuz he gets a kickback on the profits." Then he presented the cereal as though he were a spokesman (which he was). "Fortified with calcium and various minerals, and shaped like little bones, it also features colorful marshmallows in the likeness of myself and Panic! Along with a glass of pomegranate juice, it's part of a complete Underworld breakfast!" He grinned as he spoke the final line of his spiel. "It's Ha-Delicious!"

Sighing wearily, Panic dragged him by his leather harness, away from the commissary and onward to the next attraction.

"This is our fabulous Leuke Memorial Library & Art Gallery," Panic announced. "Here you can while away those eternal hours of the Afterlife with your nose stuck in a scroll from any period of history past, in numerous different languages. Maybe you'll learn something along the way." He grinned conspiratorially. "The, uh, ahem, back room behind that curtain has all the really juicy stuff. Adults only."

"And now we see the Atlus Gym, Rec Room & Sports Arena," Pain announced, "the name has been altered ever-so-slightly to avoid paying royalties to a certain Titan. A very good place to work off the frustrations of the afterlife. Feel free to sign up for one of the sports leagues started by our resident heroes, 'cause they're kinda upset at not having the Elysian Fields all to themselves anymore. The big ol' crybabies." The gym area was run by two children of Styx and Pallas, a couple of jocks named Kratos and Bia. The two demi-gods, both with golden skin and hair, stood flexing their impressive biceps inside the doorway.

"Next we have Olive Republic and The Chasm," Panic waved his hand toward the stores. "The trendiest clothiers in the Underworld. Here you can try out a new look and style for the Afterlife." Grinning lecherously, he added, "We don't yet have a branch of Aphrodite's Secret down here, but we're trying to get a franchise." The two current stores were operated by the other two children of Styx and Pallas, Nike and Zelos, who stood looking violet, vain and regal in their doors. She fluttered her wings disdainfully and he looked down his perfect nose at everyone.

"Ahem, moving along now," Pain said, "here is the Hair-A-Den Salon. Believe me, they do good manicures and perms." He held up his claws which had been clipped and buffed to a shine, and primped the scanty clump of hair atop his horned head. Inside the shop were several souls sitting in chairs while they were curled, preened, waxed, plucked, dyed and oiled by the charming chatty Gorgon sisters, Stheino, Eurayle and lovely Medusa. Luckily the dead didn’t need to fear being turned to stone.

Eyes wide, the souls followed the imps as they walked away.

A small gang of roving miscreants passed by then. The teen boys were quite an interesting mixture. One muscular with fiery-orange skin and jewel-blue hair, wearing a black leather gladiator suit. The next was lanky and lean, dull-purple and sickly-yellow, in a grey chitoniskos with a skull printed on the chest. The third was thin and graceful, verdant-green and burnished-red, dressed in a somewhat feminine white chiton and
himation. They sneered, pointed, and made admittedly creative insults at the imps, but moved on without further harassment.

Sighing, Panic informed the souls, "Those uncouth ruffians were Orkos, Ponos, and Limos, sons of Eris. They personify Swearing, Suffering, and Craving. And they're not exactly thrilled that we're dating their sisters."

"Yeah, they all got kicked off Olympus and no place else would have 'em but down here," Pain chuckled, then he too sighed. "Unfortunately, their mom paid their rent up 'til next century so we can't evict them. But at least they don't wreck the place. Hades is a tough landlord."

Bewildered, the souls followed them as the tour resumed.

"Now we come to the home office of The Chthonian Inquisitor," Panic said, "a sleazy tabloid newscroll for all the juicy tidbits you could ever hope to learn about the Underworld and Olympus. Companion paper to that other well-known rag, The Olympian Observer. Although being mortals you've probably never read either one. It's mostly gossip but what can you expect, considering who writes the stuff?" The journalist in charge was Ossa, Rumor personified, all pink and purple, who waved cheerily from the doorway as she scribbled away on her scroll-pad, as usual.

"And next we see The Golden Ram Casino," Pain announced with a giggle, "a great place to get fleeced. Inside is also the Argo Lounge where you can see Hermes perform his greatest hits every weekend, after which he will gladly sign autographs for his loyal fans." The casino and lounge were owned and operated by Tyche, Goddess of Good Fortune. She sat behind the front counter, a gold-silver-and-green mountain of loveliness, beaming a huge smile of welcome to all.

"And here we have Homing Harpy, a private messenger service." Panic indicated a small window set in the wall. "This is for sending letters to still-living loved ones. But I'm not sure how well it functions since it is run by harpies after all, and you know how they can be." The three ragged bird-women screeched in annoyance at him. They may have been agents of chaos, but they were still the most vaguely trustworthy of the bunch, Podarge, Aello, and Kelaeno.

"This is someplace you won't want to visit, and hopefully none of you will wind up staying here either," Pain declared, shivering. "The Hall of Infamy, a not-so-pleasant tourist attraction featuring the most doomed souls around." In various scenes of torture and agony were Sisyphus, Tantalos, Oknos, Tityus, Phlegyas, and the fifty daughters of Danaus, among others. Overseeing them all was the blackly smiling demon Eurynomos, who wore a carnival barker-style straw hat as he gleefully spun the Wheel Of Torture for each resident in the Hall. He seemed to enjoy his job a bit much, so Pain and Panic moved on quickly.

"The Underworld has also attracted other deities, as you may have noticed," Panic informed the souls. "Some of these, such as Nyx and Erebos, have already been here for quite some time. The two of them now run the Eternal Night Club where you can boogie down to that infernal sound for all eternity. And there's never a cover charge."

"Also you'll see to your left their daughter Nemesis, goddess of Vengeance," Pain smiled. "When she's not out exacting revenge for the gods upon the world-at-large, she builds all the torture devices we use around here. Ate visits her a lot, hee-hee." They passed by the home of Nemesis and saw the robust yellow-skinned black-haired goddess, wearing skimpy black leather, sharpening her morphing weaponry arms with a gleam in her red eyes. Nearby sat her companion Aidos, the embodiment of Shame, a petite pink-skinned blonde wearing just as skimpy earth tones and wielding a long staff and pair of long daggers.

"Another daughter of the dark couple," said Panic, "is Oizys, personification of Loss and Woe, who now runs our counseling center. She helps souls to deal with the pain of death and to prepare for a new life. This also encourages reform in order to avoid torture in the Afterlife. My advice? Take advantage of the offer." Wearing a flowing gray himation pulled over her head, dark blue skin and long sweeping black hair framing gentle pale-blue eyes, Oizys stood in her doorway welcoming another lost soul into her office with a gentle smile.

"Here is the grand home of Hypnos, son of the aforementioned elder deities, and his son Morpheus." Pain swept his hand toward twin pillars of silver and bone. "They are, of course, the gods of Sleep and Dreams, with whom all mortals are familiar. I'm afraid they don't come out to socialize very often. But there are few of their minions around. Don't shake their hands though unless you want to catch some z-z-zetas yourself." Several of the Oneirata drifted by, ignoring those who were dead or awake. They were mere shapes and shadows and only communicated through the sleep state.

"Also not available at present are three other sons of Nyx and Erebos." Panic indicated the doorways of three more homes. "One of whom is Momos, personification of Mockery. He can often be seen performing stand-up comedy at the nightclub and is currently on a Greece-wide tour with his act. He does a great impersonation of the Boss. He's okay, sometimes."

"Yeah, but I'd avoid the other two guys," Pain shook his head. "Apate is Deceit, a real smarmy character. He mostly manages the career of Momos and their brother Philotes..."

"...Whom I'm sure the ladies here will love," Panic rolled his eyes. "He's a big buff dancer, and sometimes he tours the Underworld. Be sure to catch his routine on Ladies' Night at the Eternal Night Club. And bring a few drachma along for his gamma-string."

The few female souls looked somewhat abashed, but intrigued.

"Speaking of which," Pain grinned hugely, "for the interested gentlemen in our group there is soon to be an attraction for us as well. Some of the luscious gals down here are rehearsing for our first ever Naughty Nymph Revue, which you can catch in the Argo Lounge starting next week!"

The larger number of souls being lusty males, there was a bit of cheering and nudging of elbows.

"Oh, look! We have a rare treat today!" Panic declared, waving fervently at someone. "Eris herself, also a daughter of Nyx and Erebos, and the lovely charming goddess of Strife and Discord!" He bowed humbly in the direction of the one he hoped to call 'Mom' someday.

Turning her head toward them, the goddess smiled. She was extremely beautiful but her coloring clashed outrageously. Sunburst-orange skin and long sweeping fuchsia-purple hair with lightning streaks of lemon-yellow and lime-green. Her eyes were both different colors, one neon-blue, the other flaming-red. She wore black thigh-high booted sandals and ash-gray armor with a short white chitoniskos beneath. Now she approached the imps who dated her daughters.

On a leash, she led the hellhounds Havoc and Mayhem. They'd been sold into service to a goddess who kept them only for show, because she absolutely adored their names. They weren't totally thrilled but she didn't mistreat them and had given them immortality, which they were now beginning to regret. Seeing the snickering imps, the hellhounds growled but were quickly silenced by Eris tugging their leashes hard.

"Greetings, your Divine Dissonance!" Pain cutrsied toward his potential mother-in-law. "Taking a break from the war upstairs?"

"Just a brief one. Things are reaching a critical juncture." Her voice was smooth and mellow, and the imps sighed at the sound. Though she sowed dissent in the world she herself was always the calm before chaos, the eye of the storm. "Looking for my boys to stir the pot a bit for me. Seen them lately?"

"They went that-a-way." Pain thumbed down the corridor.

"Thanks, sugarlump." She patted him on the head then left, dragging her sullen pets behind.

Suddenly a fight broke out among several souls by the casino. The brawl was a result of Eris' powers which she usually controlled while in the Underworld, though sometimes it was still unavoidable.

"Okay, I guess we'd better conclude this tour," Panic sighed, guiding the group of souls away from the ruckus. "There are other things to see, but we really don't have much time so we'll just tell you a little about them on the way..."

They all walked back toward the palace while the imps expounded on some other denizens and attractions to be seen. The Fates, daughters of Nyx and Erebos, who were always enigmatic and probably best avoided. The Sphinxes, who ran the various information booths but good luck if you could get a straight answer from them. The Griffins, Hades' personal steeds which they advised not to feed because one of them was on a diet. The Dragons, Cadmus and Harmonia who had actually moved into the Underworld for their retirement, go figure, and now ran the Advent Golf Course inside the Elysian Fields. Hemera and Aither, Day and Light personified, also children of Nyx and Erebos, who plied their annoyingly perky trades as activities directors in Camp Cabeiria for Kiddies way in the back of the Elysian Fields. And the Cyclopes and Hundred-handed Giant brothers, all of whom were currently helping Hades develop a much bigger version of Tartarus, in the event it was needed.

 

Within the first few months of redeveloping the Land of the Dead, many immortals had volunteered their help, much to the surprise and delight of the rulers of the realm. Now, just one year later, operations were fairly well established but most of them had stayed on. Some still performed various duties relating to the Underworld while others had set up shop for themselves, catering to immortal visitors and dead residents alike. Others merely moved in, saying it was a much more interesting place to live than Olympus (many of them were, of course, the dregs of godly society anyway). Those that didn't take up residence visited on a fairly regular basis, enjoying the night life. The still-living population within the land of death had basically exploded.

The Underworld was crawling with demons, nothing new. But it also had become the dwelling place for nymphs, minor deities and personifications, as well as other strange immortal beings. It had totally changed within one short year, from a gloomy place of eternal punishment and misery into... well, a happenin' community.

When the touring souls were finally brought to the palace and up to the throne room, they were practically numb from everything they'd witnessed. But it seemed like things wouldn't be so terrible in the Afterlife, after all. Maybe having new management was a great idea.

Then they entered the great throne chamber. And saw the Big Boss Man, Hades, sitting behind a huge stonework desk. Up to his smoking ears in paperwork. Screaming bloody murder.

"WHY THE HELL ARE WE FILLING THINGS OUT IN TRIPLICATE?" he demanded of the lamia standing near his desk. "It's bad enough having triple the incoming souls, with that goddamned war going on. But I don't have forever to go through this shit!"

"Yes, you do," replied the demoness, with the absolutely smallest of smiles.

"Ahh, shuddup," he groused. Crumpling up extra copies of papers he didn't wish to be bothered with, Hades lit a fire in the wastebasket with his fingertip and happily dropped them into the blaze. He could remember when he'd loved war, had gloated happily over the suffering and deaths of mortals, been thrilled at the fact humans were constantly killing themselves and each other. Once upon a time he had even considered it his duty to help them along, seeing his kingdom as being enriched with each new soul that came his way. It was like increasing his revenue, adding gold to his coffers.

Now he couldn't wait for them all to leave.

He frowned at his secretary. "From now on, one copy only, got it? One soul per person, one form per soul. That's enough for anyone, y'know what I'm sayin'?"

The demoness shook her horned head and fluttered her wings. "Fine, you only have yourself to blame if things don't go smoothly. Those were new arrivals anyway so I guess they can wait a while." She flipped through the papers she currently held to remove the extra pages, and gave him the pile still remaining. "This is the backlog. No more putting these off, they've been waiting forever already."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know..." Hades took the thick sheaf of papers with an expression of martyrdom on his haggard face. Then he finally noticed the group of souls standing across the room, and sighed with renewed exasperation. "Oh, what the hell's this? Another group of casualties touring their eternal resting place? Can we rest it in peace, already?"

"Just improving the Underworld image, your Irascibility," Pain said brightly. "Just showing a little hospitality."

"Just fueling the happy little hype machine," Hades sneered under his breath.

Panic turned half-aside to the souls and whispered meaningfully, "Ignore the Boss. He's a bit... ah, tense these last couple months. The missus is away at her other job, you see..."

Hades flared hotly. "Too much information, Panic." The imp cringed and hid behind one of the larger souls. "Shit. Forget it, I don't care, just don't ask me to make any damned welcome speech. I've got way too much paperwork to deal with." Grimacing at the stack of scrolls before him, he retracted. "On second thought, a speech would be the lesser of two evils."

Ignoring the secretary's sigh and pasting a not-so-friendly smile on his face, Hades stood up and began. "Welcome to the Afterlife. I'm sure we'll get to know you much better as soon as your paperwork is processed. I'm afraid that it could take some time, as we still have hundreds of thousands of much older souls to get through first. And of course the war upstairs is causing a bit of a headache for some of us. Namely me. But we are trying to squeeze in a few new souls each day, so your number could be up soon. In the meantime, please avail yourselves of the various facilities... and stay out of my way, if possible.

"But don't think you're getting out of being judged. That's the purpose of this whole new ball game. Our three usual Judges were once human like you so they understand you and they'll be fair and reasonable. So will our pinch-hitter judge, Dike. If you're found worthy, you'll go to the Elysian Fields until you're ready to return to the earth above. Yes, that's right folks, you purchased a round-trip ticket on the ferryboat. So whenever you're ready – the sooner the better, in my opinion – you'll be reborn. Brand new body, brand new life, ba-da-bing ba-da-boom, brand new baby. Yeah, we're keeping the stork busy around here.

"Now as I said, if you're judged worthy it's the Elysian Fields for you, which my wife operates when she's home." His face creased with tension, but he sighed. "However, if you're a bad seed, it's one of three choices. Borderline cases, those who aren't completely evil to the core, can choose to go into therapy for a while. If you'd rather just be an unrepentant asshole and waste my damned time, you get the Vortex of Fire. Extreme cases, those not even deserving forgiveness, get put on display as a warning to all. Frankly, I don't know which option is worse."

At that moment the Furies emerged from the cavernous doorway to Pyriphlegethon, wearing their terrifying costumes and carrying a nifty array of torture instruments. Seeing the souls, they grinned with huge fangs and hissed gleefully. Now that they had their full-time jobs back they were ever so happy.

"Ah, yes," Hades swept his hand in their direction, "and these are my delightful aides. They specialize in correction, rehabilitation, and creative torture. Together, we run Tartarus..."

The souls took a collective step backward, hoping they didn't wind up there.

"Okay tour's over, now get the hell out of here." And with that, Hades sat back down in a huff and began shuffling papers.

Seeing that he was ignoring them again with steely determination, the imps shrugged and ushered the souls back out the door and down to Asphodel Meadows to check into temporary rooms.

When they were gone, the lamia sighed. She was about to re-address the issue of the stack of papers on Hades’ desk but caught sight of Leuke behind him. The ghostly dryad shook her head gently, whereupon the demoness rolled her eyes and politely withdrew to leave the Boss alone with his former wife.

As Hades sat slumped over his paperwork, looking grim and annoyed, Leuke placed her light hands on his shoulders. He almost flinched but realized who it was, and half-turned with a little smile. She massaged his muscles as best she could, being relatively insubstantial. "Oh baby, you are just rock-tight," she cooed in his ear flirtatiously. "Too bad it's in a spot that does neither of us any good."

He sighed and let her pry his nerves loose with her nimble fingers. "I know, I know... but I've got all this damned work, and it's still not time to go... and why the hell does six months take so much longer than it ever did before?"

Laughing, the nymph kissed his cheek. "Because you're in love and you're horny."

"No arguments there."

Leuke smiled secretively, handed him a small item wrapped in pastel blue paper and tied with a golden ribbon, which he regarded suspiciously. "Go on, open it."

He did and found inside a small toy, a rattle like one might find in a baby's crib. Raising an eyebrow, he droned, "Oooo-kaaay..."

Leaning closer to his ear, the nymph said, "I talked to the Fates who told me you'd be needing this and more by next Winter... Dad."

Hades' eyes widened and his heart skipped a delirious beat. "You mean she's--"

"Not yet. But their Tapestry has woven into its strands a pair of booties with your name on them. And no I don't think they're your size, sugar. I'll be handling all the arrangements for the shower and getting the nursery set up, so you don't have to worry about anything but the, ahem, particulars of working to fulfill your destiny." She giggled and patted his shoulders briskly. "So go on, get out of here! Autumn starts in about two hours. Go give your honey an early birthday present. Make a baby, babe."

Flustered, happy, afraid, and more impatient than ever, Hades needed no further convincing. He turned his head and briefly locked lips with a surprised and pleased Leuke, then promptly dematerialized in puff of smoke, leaving the papers to swirl in confusion on the floor and the nymph to dance giddily back to her alcove.

 

It was nearly dawn of the Autumn Equinox and Persephone was eagerly awaiting her ride home. Last Autumn and Winter had been heaven. She and Hades had been inseparable (except for that one incident with that stupid Sisyphus guy), and the Underworld had flourished. Then the season of life for the dead was ended as it began on earth. And though the couple had tried to find time to be together, it hadn't worked quite as planned.

A huge war had broken out. Thousands of people had died, were still dying. Hades had been virtually alone in dealing with the massive influx of newly dead, was determined to keep the system working, and hadn't had time to breathe let alone visit more than once. They'd sent messages back and forth constantly, but it had been miserable for them both.

Demeter's new temple at Eleusis had been completed rapidly during the Winter months, and luckily had stayed safe during the crisis. Persephone, lonely without her husband, had found some comfort there helping to develop the Mysteries. The priests and priestesses Demeter chose were very eager to pass along the truth to future initiates. Also a small cave in the hillside of the sanctuary was set aside for Hades' own temple, and Demeter had begun to call him Plouton, a variation of one of his many titles and a representation of how obviously enriched love had made him. At last Demeter had accepted her daughter's marriage to Hades and moved on with life.

Being with her mother was on a whole different level now, and Persephone began to feel their old comfortable connection rebuild itself. The love between mother and daughter flowered anew, and she was glad of it.

During this time however, Demeter had begun to hint that she wanted a new child. She was aware her personal procreative abilities were no more, having been passed over to her daughter with all other Springtime powers. But when she noticed how wistful and saddened this idea made Persephone, she withdrew the request. She saw then just how much Persephone wanted her own child by Hades, and after much discussion came to understand it might be impossible. He had been sterilized through Kronos, the powers of death that he inherited had destroyed his chances.

Persephone had been trying to convince herself it was for the best, she and Hades had so little time together as it was and a child would only distract them from each other. But clearly she still longed for it. Demeter suggested the option by which she'd conceived, doing it alone. After all Persephone had the power. But she sighed, not wishing to leave her husband out of the equation.

Demeter then lamented for her daughter, realizing just how much Persephone truly loved and wanted to share everything with Hades. Once more Demeter regretted her own actions and vowed now to find a way to help her child become a mother. She had long discussions with her own mother Rhea, and even with Gaia, as they debated how it might be possible. It seemed that without intervention beyond even their powers, it might not be so…

Then the Fates themselves appeared on the last day of Summer, smiling enigmatically as they declared Demeter would enjoy being a grandmother and the goddess laughed, overjoyed. The ragged old crones had worked their wills on Demeter herself, making Persephone into the perfect solution for so many problems. Now they were ready to be kind and fulfill everyone’s dreams. Persephone was summoned, and when she heard the news she began to cry with hope and excitement. The Fates had a plan, a rather strange one, and although conception would be unusual it was fitting, considering who the parents were.

And now Persephone waited eagerly for her beloved to arrive, just outside her dark grove on Nysa as they'd planned when she'd left the Underworld six months earlier. Hades too had been resigned to the idea of never having a child, but had told her when and if they could figure a way around it he would gladly become a father. Now she had a plan and could hardly wait to implement it. She glanced skyward in anticipation, hoping he would be along soon...

Then she saw a dark spot on the horizon above the treetops. It was still twilight, Eos not yet awakened enough to show herself. But the spot was darker than the sky and it moved forward rapidly. Gradually she made out a pair of large black griffins pulling a larger-than-expected black chariot. In the vehicle was her larger-than-life flaming-haired darling, wearing flowing black and a giant smile.

The chariot flew down then hovered a few feet above the meadow. Hades gazed down at his wife and his heart nearly burst with love. She was dressed in her Springtime colors of white and green, with tiny stray flowers in her hair and a radiant living beauty none could imitate. Not yet ready to drop the big surprise on her, he instead flicked his wrist and produced a narcissus, the very same immortal flower he'd first given her, offering it up along with his soul. "Happy birthday, beautiful."

She accepted it all, would always do so, and closed her eyes as she inhaled the flower's eternal perfume. Though bursting to tell him the news, she opened her eyes and regarded the vehicle he rode in with unconcealed amusement. "And what is this? A new chariot?"

"Yeah, Hephaestus made it for me. Room for two this time. Rumble seat in the back," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "And cruise control so, hey, no hands on the wheel, y'know? Only stick-shift in this wagon is attached to yours truly."

"Wow. You just thought of everything, didn't you?"

"You know it." He leaned down over the rail of the chariot and ogled her with great appreciation. "So... Babe," he drawled throatily, "wanna take the joyride of your life? 'Mr. Hades' Wild Ride' is a real E-ticket, y'know. Come on, I'll only bite where you like it..."

"In that thing? With a guy like you?" she snickered, trying to look innocent and young, batting her eyes at up him. "I dunno. I think you're both a little dangerous..."

"Worst there is." And with that, he reached down and grabbed her in his strong arms. "Might as well abduct you good and proper this time."

She giggled as he swung her up into the chariot, then sighed deeply as he held her tight, kissing her with such breathtaking passion that she couldn't see straight.

Heart pulsing with devotion, he tasted her sweetness and knew he would do whatever necessary to fulfill their desires. Finally raising his lips, he whispered against her ear, "I've missed you something fierce, my sweet one..."

"Oh, Hades..." She pressed against him, never wanting to be apart again, knowing that every year for all eternity they would have no choice but to be. Her exciting, hopeful news put itself on the back-burner as her heart throbbed with longing and love. "Oh, I missed you too. Please, my love... take me home..."

He told the griffins to take the scenic route back.

Their clothes were off before they'd crossed the Ionian Sea.

More or less... The End
Αισιο Τελος

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